Sportswriter hands, that is.

“Not even President Barack Obama’s ceremonial first pitch helped the NL, which had been 4-0 previously when sitting presidents threw out the first offering.”

At least AP Writer didn’t call it ironic.

JMH: Hey, how are you?

Tattooed Guy: How ya doin’?

###

Dear The Cast of “The Real World D.C.”,

I have lived in Washington, D.C., for two years now. I like it here. It is my home. I live in the Dupont Circle neighborhood, which could be described as trendy and upscale. I don’t like to use those words to describe anything about myself, but I use them here to express my lack of surprise that MTV decided to plop the lot of you a block away from my apartment for the 20-somethingth season of the sterile and decrepit grandfather of all reality television shows known as “The Real World.” Let’s not get into the irony - intentional or not - of that name.

I have yet to meet any of you or even see any of you in person, but I can already tell that I don’t like you. Let me go over some reasons why by way of a bulleted list.

• Look at yourselves.
• Unless MTV resurrected that asshole Puck from the San Francisco cast from way back when, you are undoubtedly vapid and boring. At least Puck had some spunk.
• You went to Dave & Buster’s in White Flint. I like structured non-fun as much as the next guy, but this makes you look silly.
• From that same article, “Their lavish Fourth of July aboard an elegant chartered yacht moored at the Southwest waterfront, where they mingled with about 50 civilians to watch the fireworks.” Maybe if you were middle-aged lawyers this would represent the real world, but you are bratty 23-year-old brats. Wait, this is Washington. That is the real world. Still, you’re brats.
• Moving on, “There was also a cupcake fight.” Ha-ha-ha! So edgy! So novel! Where should we send your Emmys?
• “Later, they relocated to a private balcony set aside for them at downtown Ultrabar, via Boomerang Party Bus. ‘They are so sweet!’ bus owner Nikki DuBois, who joined the party, told us. ‘They’re great-looking, and good dancers. I think they’re going to fit into D.C. perfectly.’ ” If what it takes to fit into D.C. perfectly is to be sweet, great-looking, and a good dancer, I can only hope to fit in two thirds of the way. Maybe I’ll move to Alaska, where men are men, and women are Sarah Palin. She’s looking pretty good right now.
• “The cast was also filmed stopping by the Human Rights Campaign store in Dupont Circle to buy T-shirts.” I’m sure you would have taken it upon yourselves to do this if MTV hadn’t ordered you to do so. It’s not like you would’ve just sat around in your STD-laden hot tub getting drunk in the middle of the afternoon.
• By the way, if you need to get that checked out, both Georgetown and George Washington University hospitals are short bus rides away.

You stink,

JMH

It’s been almost a year since I was first introduced to Sarah Palin, and it still brings me infinite joy to make fun of her. It’s been about 20 years since I was first introduced to David Letterman, and it still brings me infinite joy when he trades barbs with nutjobs.

These lines are real gems - perhaps collectively the Hope diamond of quotes:

Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin is accepting comedian David Letterman’s apology over the controversial joke directed at her daughter, but says she hopes “men who ‘joke’ about public displays of sexual exploitation of girls will soon evolve.”

“Letterman certainly has the right to ‘joke’ about whatever he wants to, and thankfully we have the right to express our reaction,” Palin said in a statement. “And this is all thanks to our U.S. Military women and men putting their lives on the line for us to secure America’s Right to Free Speech – in this case, may that right be used to promote equality and respect.”

Comments:

1) The line “men who ‘joke’ about public displays of sexual exploitation of girls will soon evolve” suggests that this is something Letterman does routinely. All he was really doing was making fun of Bristol Palin for being related to Sarah Palin. Fair game.

2) David Letterman is a much better role model for young women than Sarah Palin is.

3) That kind of “go troops!” pandering must make even the most zealous right-winger cringe. And what about me, an ACLU member, and what I do to protect freedom of speech? I’m on a pretty tight budget, but I still manage to give them money every year. Am I not putting my life on the line?

No wonder you get D’s in everything.

…But now I think I will. Please join if you’re not already a member. And if you are already a member, please give them more money.

If only we could ban these assholes.

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If there’s one thing I love about modern coffee shop culture, it’s the ability to browse other people’s music collections. Just try and tell me you don’t get a little excited when you open iTunes in a public space and see that someone else in your vicinity is sharing his or her music library in its entirety. Never will you find someone with taste better than your own. Most of the time you’ll be disappointed and find a lot of bland junk. Sometimes you’ll find a fairly impressive collection and nod approvingly. And very rarely you will find something like this, which belongs to my new best friend Chandra. Chandra, I have no idea who you are, but we need to talk. For your viewing pleasure, here is Chandra’s iTunes library, from start to finish:

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